Indeed, at one time it was the accepted way of teaching children and criminals right from wrong. Most people react to people doing things that they don’t like by making their feelings plain, they shout, nag, punish etc. This was not a new revelation, the ancient Greeks knew it, and so did you. In the early 1980s some research showed that, rather than just wait, if you address people’s motivation, they changed (you would expect that wouldn’t you? You expect that treatment would change drinkers). His answer was “One that is there when the drinker wants to change.” One eminent researcher was asked “What makes a good therapist?”. That meant that they (the therapists and doctors) also believed that people were powerless over alcohol and had to wait until the drinker was ready to change. Not that long ago most rehabs were 12 step based. However, after finding out you are powerless people tend to stop trying. Yes, we know that you have been trying to get them to change for years without any success, so being told that you are powerless both makes sense and is a relief since you don’t have to keep wasting your time trying. So, if we are told that we need to wait till the drinker is ready change because we cannot do anything about it, then most likely we will not try. Second if you are told that something cannot be done by an authority figure, most times, we don’t try to do it (eg Alanon and Powerlessness). This is a fundamental psychological principle! For it is much easier to do something for someone who you feel is supportive of you than for someone who you feel is not. Have you ever worked for a boss, or had a friend, that you wanted to do things for or wanted to please? Have you ever worked for a boss, or knew someone, that you really grudged doing things for? What was the difference between these people? Let me hazard a guess, it was their attitude towards you. As the context changes, so too does our behaviour.
#AL ANON BROCHURE HOW TO#
That is obvious, isn’t it?īut why do we behave different in these contexts? Most of us will pick up our cues about how to behave from the context we are in (place, people, occasion) and act accordingly. We would behave very differently at a funeral than we would at a wedding, at an office Xmas party to a business meeting. Also, importantly, it flies in the face of all the principles of social psychology.įirst, we tend to act and behave in ways that are appropriate to where we are and who we are with. On the one hand although it can clear partners of any guilt, it can greatly limit what they feel they can do and leave them helpless and hopeless to affect their own lives.
The concept of powerlessness is a double-edged sword. So why would we disagree with Alanon and powerlessness?
We not only believe that you can influence your drinker, we show you how that may be achieved through the Bottled-up program. So, if we are in favour of Alanon’s program, is this group just a kind of Alanon group? The answer to that is no! While we do like some of their program, the fellowship and support that they provide, we fundamentally disagree with the central tenet of powerlessness. Indeed, we would like to stress that we have a lot of respect for the Alanon fellowship for the people that it has helped over the decades. Again, these are good survival strategies and we welcome them. They also suggest that you look after yourself and make a life that is separate and non-dependent on the drinker.
In Alanon they suggest that you detach with love from your drinker. In our book, anything that removes the guilt and shame that people living with an alcoholic feel is a good thing. For many who join Alanon, this comes as a relief, as they are told – “we didn’t cause it, can’t cure it, and can’t control it”. One of the central pillars of Alanon is the belief that you are powerless over the drinker. Many people who come to us feel hopeless about the their situation, often quoting Alanon and Powerlessness as a reason to stop trying to change their circumstances.
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